Living with constant pain or depression, or both can happen to anyone.  For many years now, i have lived with pain on a daily basis, some days not so bad, other days extreme.   It doesn't help having depression either.  I think the worst thing about it is that it's invisible on both counts.

Unless you suffer from either condition, it's hard for you to understand. If you suffer from either or both, then you know how I'm feeling right now. 

The simplest of tasks like housework make it a dreaded chore, especially when riddled with pain all over, when your arms and legs feel like they are on fire. your body aches and you just can't carry on with things that would simply just take 10 minutes to do.

I have given up on decoration, because after a few minutes my joints in my arms become so intense with pain I have to stop. That really does frustrate me, because I used to enjoy it so much. I have cut down on driving, stopped socializing, even using the laptop, phone or ipad I can only use for up to half an hour and rest.  Apart from this, I care for my daughter and my elderly mother.  

I don't have much support, and at times, it tears me apart.  I have emotional support for which I am truly grateful, but it's practical support I need more. I have no money to get anyone in to help me clean,   it would make life so much easier.   

At the moment I feel like I am just existing. I used to enjoy going out, meeting people, I used to work,  but not any more due to these conditions. I need two operations, as I have cysts that need removing,  so basically I'm stuck at the moment and cannot move forward. 

Although I'm rambling on (sorry), I won't give up, even though I nearly did this morning. 
I didn't want to live, I had a horrible two hours of feeling sorry for myself, trapped, and not seeing a way out.  Maybe I needed that cry (yes it really is okay to cry),  It was a release for me, realizing that I was kidding myself that' I'm really okay, when I'm  not.

I have started back on the Pregablin, which is supposed to help with anxiety and severe pain, if they do help, then I know it's the right way to go.  I stopped taking them because I started to feel better, worst mistake, as I was in a strong head place, that was two months ago, since stopping been on a downward spiral, so let's see if they do help.

I now call these either minor blips (which last a day or two)  or major blips where the pain and depression lasts more than a few days.  This week has been a major one, and need to take back control of the reins, before it completely sets in and I get lost forever. 

Thanks for reading. 

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